Safety in BDSM, as in any relationship, is important right from the “getting to know you” stage. Most of us have read and/or heard of incidents involving people who have behaved in dishonest, abusive and/or irresponsible ways towards their partners. Unfortunately, such people may be skilled and charming enough to hide their inclinations until well after the submissive is “hooked.” I do not wish to scare anyone but we must face facts, you could get at the very least hurt either emotionally or physically or at worse killed. Therefore, it is wise to be cautious. We’re providing you with some basic information that may prove helpful.
A. Getting to Know Them
Each BDSM relationship is based on the individuals involved, but the key and essential element in all relationships must be honesty, that in turn enables the trust to develop. Misrepresentation of who you are, what you are looking for and what you can and cannot offer causes a lot of the hurt and problems. Suggested questions to ask yourself and those you meet on-line, in IMs, e-mail, or in real life may include: Do you want… Strictly cyber / Cyber and phone / Real person-to-person / Cyber phone and real life / Monogamous relationship / Short affair, session only relationship. Is geographical distance a factor? Is marital status a concern?
Unfortunately, remember that the person you are talking to, could easily be deceiving you in any of these areas. Try and keep your emotions in check until you can readily prove that the person is being straight. How that occurs is purely up to each individual but the agreed consensus is to go slow and take as much time as you need to feel comfortable. Your life could depend on it. This is a major concern with people you have met on-line but should be considered for all you meet.
Ask a lot of questions–and remember the answers. Compare the answers with what the person has said at other times. Watch for inconsistencies. If a Dominant tells you he/she is experienced, don’t be afraid to check it out. Some Dominants will refer you to their former partners or to other friends in the BDSM scene. Question prospective Dominants about various techniques (this can be done subtly–you needn’t come across like an inquisitor) See the link to the Pre-Negotiation form on the previous page.
There’s nothing wrong with inexperience if it is combined with a commitment to safe and responsible BDSM. But an inexperienced Dominant should be able to convince you that he or she is taking steps to learn the basics before he/she ever lays a hand on you. No matter how eager you are to get into a BDSM relationship (and most of us were very eager at the start, because we’d yearned for this all our lives) it’s a good idea to move slowly. You simply don’t HAVE to start following cyber orders from commanding would-be Dom/mes, even if you long to do so. If some thing you do ‘On-line’ makes you feel queasy afterwards… trust the feeling! Don’t automatically trust the Dom/me! Don’t do what he/she tells you simply BECAUSE he/she tells you…wait until he/she has earned your trust and respect by displaying significant evidence of his/her caring, responsibility, humanity and sincerity.
Declaring yourself to be a Dominant does not give you the right to order submissives around, treat them disrespectfully, or otherwise be insulting, crass or offensive. Declaring yourself to be a submissive does not mean that you must automatically defer to anyone who declares themselves to be a Dom/me, obey orders, address them by some particular honorific or title or restrict your chatting and/or correspondence with anybody else. Above all else remember that Dom/me or sub you are a human and therefore have rights as such (and of course responsibilities). Couples who get together may indeed negotiate any or all of the above behaviors and have lots of fun performing them, IF both partners agree and give their mutual consent.
B. Moving Ahead
1. Telephone – Don’t readily give out your phone number to those you meet on-line. There are ways to find names and addresses strictly with a phone number. With the advent of caller ID, even if you call the person your name and number will come up on their machine. You may use a number that disables caller ID. You may elect to have the person call a phone booth to protect your identity. Always keep in mind that when you give out your number they can get your name and address. Do not let your interest in BDSM overrule your common sense.
2. Meetings – Assuming you have chatted, corresponded and spoken on the phone, what is the next safe step? If you’re going to meet, meet in a public place, like a restaurant, bar or a shopping mall. Meeting for a “drink” at a restaurant is a good plan. If you hit if off you can stay for a meal, if not, you can politely get up and leave. The first meeting is when you should let your instincts have full play. You can tell a lot about a person from looking into a person’s eyes, watching their gestures, noting how courteously they treat you.
Some suggested guidelines before meeting an On-line partner
a. Ask for references, people On-line, former partners, friends, several if possible even they only met for a cup of coffee.
b. First meeting should be in a public place. If flying from out of town, make hotel reservations and take a taxi. Do not reveal the name of the hotel. You can always change your return flight to an earlier time (for a fee of $50 and the difference in the fare {if any}). Never plan to stay at their home the first time you meet.
c. Set-up a Safety System that works for you. An example of this that is commonly suggested is to provide a close friend of yours, and/or someone that you trust who knows of your activities with the name, address, number and any other vital information about the person you are going to meet, before going to meet your new partner. Tell your “safety” where you will be and have a pre set time that you are supposed to call to let them know that you are all right. If you do not call, your safety is to assume you are in trouble and notify the authorities. Tell your partner that you have a safety and DO NOT forget to call!! This is a serious matter and should not be taken lightly by any of the persons involved. If you are meeting for an extended weekend it may be wise to have two or more times to “check in” or more than one safety.
d. If possible have a chaperon with you, someone nearby. Trust your instincts, if something does not feel right, do not be alone with the person. Do not worry about hurting their feelings or wasting money. Better safe than sorry.
C. First Play Encounter
If the first meeting goes well and you decide to get together again for BDSM play, it’s a good idea to make sure you know each other well enough to be communicating frankly and openly about your erotic dreams and fantasies. The Dominant partner needs to know what arouses the submissive…and what frightens her/him, so he/she can emphasize the one and avoid the other. Just some helpful recommendations:
1. Mild/light or no bondage is recommended during a first encounter. Take your time in allowing the trust to build to this level. Being bound and helpless is a dangerous time to find out that your partner is not the person you thought they were.
2. Many Dominants and submissives insist on using their own BDSM toys and implements (whips, paddles, canes, vibrators, nipple clamps etc.) They prefer not to be exposed to toys that have been used on others, especially since some toys and materials are difficult to clean and disinfect. We are each responsible for our own health and well-being, and being erotically submissive does not alter this. There are now plenty of sources for toys (see my Links pages for some good ones), so have fun stocking your own “toy box.”
3. Always choose and tell the Dom/me your safe word. If s/he doesn’t feel one is necessary even though you ask for one, then you may want to re-think if this is the right person to be with. They should be striving to build trust and make you feel comfortable. Remember though that a safe word is no guarantee that they will stop. Know the person well before it gets to this point.
4. Should you decide to include sex in BDSM play always use protection (as you would in any relationship). Such protection should include a latex condom. Most other safety considerations pale in comparison to the simple need to protect yourself from STDs, particularly AIDS. Latex condoms are strongly urged if you intend to engage in genital sex, including any kind of oral (or a dental dam) or anal penetration. Latex gloves are suggested for digital play, particularly fisting. Contact with all body fluids, including menstrual blood, is considered high risk behavior. This is NOT an area where a submissive should back down because of a partner’s “Dominance.” Please be safe and learn all you can about STDs
D. Miscellaneous Tips
1. Never let anyone isolate you from your friends and family and information available on BDSM or safer sex. Someone who cares about you should want and encourage you to learn and grow.
2. Never let someone tell you that their form of BDSM is the only one. (Again this includes us! What we write here and may tell you should you meet us or find us in a chat room is only our opinions and our ideas of what BDSM is) Nobody should tell you that not agreeing with them makes you a bad submissive or a bad Dom/me. Intimidation, threats, isolation are not signs of an emotionally stable person and you should think hard about getting involved in a BDSM relationship with someone who is not emotionally stable. Your self-esteem should always remain high in any relationship, including in BDSM.
3. Strive to find a person who you are compatible with, watch, learn and listen to what the other has to say. There are no absolute rules in BDSM and you can, at anytime, for any reason, withdraw your consent. You do not have to be released by the other. This is still a free country and if it doesn’t feel right… don’t do it. The words safe, sane and consensual have a very important meaning to those involved in this lifestyle, (as do Honesty, Trust and Respect) look at each word carefully.
You are entering a thrilling and delightful world…
so play safe…and have fun!! Luck to you and enjoy!
Best Wishes! SxySadist